Love a punt but think horse racing is a dirty business? We’ve got the sweep for you.

This Tuesday, hold an alternate Melbourne Cup sweep. Gather your RSPCA-supporting animal-loving friends, throw ten bucks each into the betting pool, then print out and cut up the race predictions below. Draw the predictions from a hat and if the one you pull out comes to pass during race day, get a share of the winnings – without having to cheer on a brutal “sport” that should be left in the past with bear-baiting and baggy jeans.*

sweep2

 


THE RIGHT PRICE
There’s a convoluted discussion in your office about whether the sweep should be five dollars or twenty dollars. The boss wants to make it twenty (so it is).


BETTER LIGHTEN UP
Somebody at work asks, “Where’s your hat?” because you haven’t bothered to get into fancy dress for a day of legalised animal abuse.


PRINCE OF POINT PIPER
Prime Minister Malcolm “Man of the People” Turnbull tweets his tips from a Melbourne tram.


RED CAVIAR
The all-inclusive Melbourne Cup lunch you forked out for doesn’t include a filling lunch or more than one glass of sparkling wine.


OFF TO A BAD START
A horse that’s being forced into the barrier rears up and suffers a crippling injury. The commentators concede that it’s a tragedy – for the owners.


BUST OF WIND
In the VIP marquee, The Birdcage, Gabi Greko flashes her breasts. A distracted jockey is thrown from his mount.


LOSING FAST
During the race a workmate screams obscenities at the horse he backed, hinting at a well-hidden gambling addiction and prompting a review of his accounts.


COBALT FROM THE BLUE
The winning horse’s trainer has been linked to the performance-enhancing drug cobalt, the prevalence of which threatened to derail the spring racing carnival (until everyone agreed to ignore it).


EXPERT KNOWLEDGE
A commentator refers to a horse’s emotions and motivation, as if the animal has any idea why it’s being forced to run around in circles.


KING FISHY
The winning jockey has previously been suspended from racing on account of shonky dealings with dodgy operators.


PAIN LOVER
In the final hundred metres the winning horse is whipped more than a character in 50 Shades of Grey, and looks more worn out than a joke about that novel.


DELTA GLUES
One horse (or more) dies during the race, leading to a long discussion about what counts as “last place” in the office sweep.


LAME GAME
One horse (or more) dies after the race, leading to no discussion.


WHO SHOT THE PONY
A fallen horse has to be put down on the track. Strangely, this moment of high drama is neither spoken about or broadcast.


VINTAGE DROP
The boss backs the winner, shouts the bar, gets drunk and exposes himself to the work experience kid.


* We have to admit that Sydney Outsider would hold a Cup sweep if we had an office and staff.